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Monday, June 13, 2011


My precious little girl....... I long to hold her in my arms so badly some days it feels unbearable to have to wait another 4mths. We are at 19wks 4days today, which means I am almost to the halfway mark. Almost to 5mths ~ I must admit these have been the longest, most stressful, scary (amazing) 19wks of my life. I am not a good pregnant person I'm just NOT.  Its to scary for me, I worry about everything all the time. Its making it worse that I am now on twitter with some amazing woman who have been so helpful and supportive, (some more excited then some members of my own extended family about this baby).  But over the past few weeks many babies have died some younger then my girl some older.........and that to be honest that scares the hell outta me. I have wanted a daughter so badly my whole life and now she is here.....closer to me then any other human being has ever been, she is part of me.......everything she needs to grow and be brought into this world depends on ME. If that is not pressure I dunno what is.
Steve gets so upset with me because he says I am a downer all the time and always thinking the worst.......OK yes he is right (shhh don't tell him I admitted that OK?)  So I told him "look you and I need to have a serious talk and I want you to listen to every word I am saying and try to understand"  I explained how much pressure I am under, I know its not intentional pressure but OMG everything is on my shoulders. I have 2 watch everything I eat, I have to eat even when I am so sick I could puke everywhere because she needs the nourishment. I have to watch my BP, I can't pick up heavy things, I cant vacuum, I cant work, I cant do laundry, I have to remain as calm as possible. I have to sleep on my sides at night, I have extreme pain in my nipples that no one seems to be able to explain why and it is torture OMG its horrid pain. I have to be careful with what foods I eat, I need to test my blood and give myself shots 6xs a day.......the list goes on and on and I will do all of this and smile because I want to be a mother no matter what I must endure......but the pressure of keeping her safe and healthy for another 20wks can be overwhelming. He gets to just sit back and wait for her arrival no pain, no stress, no worries......its all on ME......and its alot. I am so in love with this child already I cannot wait for October to get her so I can hold my lil Shyann :)

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