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Thursday, April 21, 2011

Stressed does not even begin to cover it

I am 2mths pregnant and I have already been scared to death on three different occasions that I was losing or had lost this child. First when I kept cramping so badly I thought it was ectopic. Then I started bleeding on 2/10 and I thought I was having a miscarriage, went for my ultrasound and everything was ok I actually saw my babys lil heart flicker. Finally I felt a lil more calm and secure I was actually allowing myself to look at baby furniture, pick out names (for sure) and talk about planning the baby shower. Then on sunday we were having dinner at shawn and lisas and I went to the bathroom and WHAM!  Tons of bright red blood, like I got my period. I had a few small cramps but nothing major. I went into total panic mood. We went home and I stayed in the recliner all night. Yesterday morning I called the doctor and she got me in for a ultrasound at 145pm. I noticed the blood was darker now and seemed less which made me feel a lil bit better. So around 1030 ish I went to the bathroom and I heard and felt a huge blood clots come out. It was at least 5inches big and I total lost my mind. I thought OMG thats my baby just laying there in the toilet! I know its digusting to think about, but this is my life. I was hysterical, I called Mom and she could not understand a word I was saying, I was blubbering like an idiot. Finally I was able to get the words out and she left work immediately. I called Steve and left work about a hour later. The three of us just sat in my living room watching TV not saying much. My mind was racing, how horrible to think I was going to be a mom for 5wks and now its all going to be taken from me. I was devastated and heartbroken. I wanted to go to the sonogram and just get it over with. Steve was not allowed to come back with me at first. I explained to the tech (who was VERY sweet) what happened earlier and she said well lets just calm down and see whats going on. She put the wand on my tummy and she said "Well it looks like we still got a baby in there" I was not looking at the screen yet I was just horrified to see a empty uterus, so I looked over and OMG it was there and so much bigger. She said ok hun go take a pee, I will go get your husband and we will take some more measurements OK? I was like uummm what? ok? in total shock. I went and took and pee (relief) and then came back and she had already told steve the baby was still intact and we were going to look for a heartbeat and measure its growth now. Steve just winked at me I was in SHOCK seriously!  I had been trying to prepare myself for 48hrs for a miscarriage and by the grace of God my baby doubled in size. Steve and I got to see the heartbeat and she was actually able to measure the heartrate at this point, 150 bpm (which she said is excellent) She said it was growing well at 7wks 2days (due date nov 8th) and that my cervix was closed. Could not give me a reason for why I was bleeding or anything, so I have to call the doctor today. She said I could just be sensitive and that everyting is very vascular while your pregnant. I had bloodwork and I have been home on the recliner since.
This has been such a rollar coaster ride since I fould out I was pregnant. I just wanna emjoy this experience and be happy,  not scared to death everyday!  I need to have faith and trust that God will keep us both safe. I told Steve this baby is stressing me out already and its only been 2mths.

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